March 18, 2007

My Love

Before I start this post I do want to say that it is personal. But, I'm a writer and if I don't get personal every once in a while, I lose touch, lol. I'm not going to pay attention to my writing skills right now either, nor the spelling. I'm just here to let it spill out, I'll come back later and edit, rofl. And for some reason I can't sleep, been tossing and turning, thinking of my love. Yes, that's him up there with my son. Isn't he the hunkiest, most rugged mountain man you've ever seen??...hehehehe...he's going to kill me if he ever reads this!

Well, our story is a great one, but has dealt us a few hardships along the way. We met in a bar, yes, I know.....not the best place to meet guys, lol. That night I hadn't gone out to meet guys, though, because you see, it was maybe my third time going out after my son was born. Keep in mind, by this time my son was already one. I had a newborn baby, a $645 mortgage, a car payment and being a waitress really didn't put me in the mood to be on my feet for not just the whole day, but night too. I didn't feel like dancing, which was one of my fav things to do. Somehow, my best friend in all the world, pulled me out that night.

I have to explain something first. I'm a country girl, through and through. I grew up on the rocky banks of the Meramec and the muddy ones of the Mississipi (sp?). I have been around horses and every critter imaginable since I can remember. I like my men rough, preferably with a cowboy hat, lol. This particular establishment was littered with rude twenty year old boys who thought it was funny to grab my ass. Seriously, this generation of men need a swift kick in the arse. Anyhoo, I'm not having a good time at all, fuming a bit, when I turn and see a cowboy hat floating above the crowd, about a head taller than everyone else.

Did I mention that I was blind-stinkin drunk? Oh, yes, well, I must have forgot.....I went up to him, tapped him on what I thought was his shoulder, but ended up being his side. I struck up a conversation. For the first time in my life I was bold, but not too forthright, secretive but very clear. I felt very powerful talking to this man. We exchanged numbers and began to talk for five hours at a time on the phone. He took me to dinner for our first date, was the first time I was ever really "picked up" in my entire life, it was all very surreal. He didn't kiss me that night.

This was the clencher. This was how I knew I'd never get over him. When he called to ask me out for a second time he asked, "Where would you guys like to go?". I said "you guys"??...what do you mean? He said, "You and your son." Yes, I almost fainted. For a single mother, this was great, but also very frightening. I had been alone since I was 3 months pregnant, I wasn't sure I wanted something to enter our lives that could just as easily walk right back out. But, I went for it.

Long story short, a year after that second date, we moved in together. It was beautiful. I had a man that loved me, we had animals galore on the most beautiful 62 acres I had ever seen. My son breathed in the fresh, clean air that whipped through the valley. He explored and drove his little John Deere Tractor all over the place.

Humans and their darn capacity to screw stuff up! That's exactly what we did, we screwed up. Neither one of us knows when or how, but we both know it was surely a team effort. We're working it out, dating exclusively with plans in the future to move back in together. But, I still wiggle my fingers, expecting that symbol of his love for me to be there, the ring he picked himself, the ring that was exactly what I would've picked had I been there.

I still lay there at night, my head swimming with love and desire for him, hoping that the awful ugliness of resentment stays at bay. I know this is what is best, and truth be told, I'm happy with where we are right now. That doesn't stop me from grieving the past. That doesn't stop me from wondering "Am I doing the right thing?". That doesn't stop my son from asking, "Can we see him soon?". It doesn't stop me from feeling like I let my son down, that I welcomed tragedy into his life.

I love this man, but it took leaving to understand our relationship better. It took leaving to understand myself. In my heart, I know that he is the man that I will forever be tangled up in. The only man that after 4 years can still make me want more with just one touch. I know it wouldn't change in 20 years, this man's hold on me, or vice versa. I'm learning the ultimate life lesson here. If it's meant to be, it will be. So, I'm living my life, pursuing my dreams and glad that even if I don't have a warm body in bed next to me at night, I have a best friend whom I know will always be there, if not in the flesh, over the phone.

Thank you for listening to me ramble, sorry about the length of this post!!! I might try and get some sleep. Beautiful Dreams to you!


Liane Gentry Skye said...

What a beautiful post. I saw you on the RT boards and decided to follow the link to your blog.

I live the entangled life as well. :D


Larissa Ione said...

OMG, your story made my eyes sting! Very beautiful post, and geez, you got a great guy! Congrats to you both!